What exactly am I doing here? Where am I going? Where do I want to go? Who do I want to be? These are all familiar questions I ask myself, often daily. Like my mother I feel like I am searching, for something, i am not entirely sure exactly what that is but I know it is something. I am drawn to like minded people, the interest me, they inspire me, I guess they keep me in check with myself - make sure I am on the right track. I am not searching for peace, I am not searching for something greater than myself, I am just searching for life and searching for the experiences of others.
Today I am working. I said goodbye to my husband early this morning, kissed my babies and drove away. I must say that I had my windows down and the music pumping - free at last! I was desperate for Keith to experience what I experience on a daily basis, not that it is anything too extreme, I just wanted him to get it. I am blessed with two easy going, happy and independent babies but sometimes, usually by a Wednesday or Thursday, I AM OVER IT. I usually call Keith while he is at work, expressing my particular disinterest in being a parent that day, Will is giving me the shits, Olivia will not settle for a nap, I don't get any work done, the house is a crazy mess BLAH BLAH BLAH. He is very patient and supportive, he listens when I complain about absolutely nothing, on some occasions he will come home, if it is a particularly bad day. The truth is I don't have anyone else to count on. I have amazing girlfriends who literally kick me out of the house from time to time so I can have time to catch my breath and they can have their baby fix, but I don't have someone I can call if I am having a shit day and need to take the kids for an hour or two. It is pretty hard for me to actually let go of the kids - in my eyes they are my responsibility. Keith's parents are no longer around, and most of his family is interstate. My dad works a lot of the time and isn't very confident when it comes to managing two children under the age of three, so really that would be more of a stress for me than anything else.
Anyway back to my full circle moment this beautiful Sunday morning. I am sitting underneath a beautiful big oak tree, its leaves are glowing in the warm autumn sunshine, there are red lights draped over her old branches. The breeze is warm but cool, the sun is dancing over my arms and hands as I tap away on my keyboard. I am stationed up in the hills, at my old place of work. Its wooden tables are familiar, pumpkin is roasting in the oven, warm muffins are glazed and put on display. The coffee is to die for and the food is made with love. It is this kind of warmth that fills my heart, it is moments like these that I sit back and really look at the world and how far I have come. The sixteen year old school girl starting her afternoon job, to the young woman seeking some kind of direction, now I am the woman working in the garden, the old wannabe hipster. This place was my family, it was my home. I guess to some degree it still is. I am always greeted with a familiar smile and a loving embrace. It is a place where I can come and seek refuge, a place where I can come in these sort of moments and really see where I have been and where I am going. I am so very grateful to have this family and this heart in the hills, as well as my family and heart in the city.
What do you do to recharge and what keeps you inspired?
Happy Sunday lovely people XOX